My autobiography will be a single piece of paper that says ‘Ugh’
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If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
7yo: Why can’t I have coffee?
Me: It’ll make u even more energetic than u already are
7: But u drink it all the time& u never have energy!
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
my bf just said “you’re one of the most beautiful women ive ever laid eyes on” ummmmmm… im sorry… ONE OF!!??!?
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
[court]
LAWYER: Did u kill him?
ME: No
L: You know what the punishment is for committing perjury?
ME [lips on the mic] Much less than murder
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Do you ever think Mario gets home after a long day and his wife is dressed in lingerie and all ‘hey handsome’ and he’s like ‘I had such a long day, if i have to jump down into one more tunnel I will lose it”
We decided to have money instead of children.
Excited for Pete Davidson to host SNL and play some of his iconic characters including Pete Davidson and Pete Davidson.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.