Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
You Might Also Like
“Poor” is an odd word because when you put it in front of “people” it’s sad but when you put it in front of “bladder control” it’s hilarious
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
i maintain uninterrupted eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me, as i slowly pull out a chimichanga from my coat pocket & begin eating it
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
[my first roundabout]: omg, who has the right of way?
[my 100th roundabout]: COMING THROUGH!
“honey why is our water bill so high?”
*water bill sits there holding a bong*
hahahah duuuude i don’t know man. DORITOS. DO WE HAVE DORITOS?
If you watch home alone backwards it’s about kid who tortures two strangers then his family comes home and yells at him
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
What do you mean I can’t change the past?
*logs on to Wikipedia*
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
I asked my wife to pick up some 25yr caulk at Home Depot and she’s been in the bathroom getting ready for hours.
What Did I Just Touch and Why is It Wet!?
A Parenting Story
I remember when I could put my shoes on standing up and had that one legged balancing act perfected. It was one Saturday back in 1994, but I remember it.
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
How much for the soul sucker?
Sir, that’s a baby
This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start