Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
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Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
Me: Is there something wrong with your pasta?
4-year-old: It’s not a doughnut.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
sorry but I don’t want to go to another platform where I have to make things either aesthetically appealing (IG, TT) or like nerdy specialized (Reddit) I’m trying to be a talkative idiot
self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
The kids I nanny asked why I wanted to see Incredibles 2 and I said because the first one came out when I was a kid
and they really asked ….
If it was in color
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
It’s absurd how none of the chicks at this park are recognizing my swag *puts flip phone back in my fanny pack. Rollerblades away*
Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole