I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
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For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
I have never been more inspired by anything than this work of art
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
My doctor told me humans need to have an average of 8 cups of water a day.
Which means if just 4 of you have 10 a day I don’t need to have any.
Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
i was told today that I have “resting smug face” but trust me I’m making the effort
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Christmas adverts: “Eat all the food! Drink all the drink! Spoil yourself! It’s Christmas!”
New year adverts: “Look at what you’ve done to yourself, you fat sack of shit”
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Why did they call them armadillos and not hardvarks.
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
‘I just call it like I see it…’ -People giving their unsolicited opinion about their unsolicited opinions.
“My god, it’s the zombie apocalypse. Everyone grab the most critical items and get ready to run”
*me holding a Shrek 2 DVD*
Way ahead of you
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”