[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
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my ex never cleaned the coffee filter basket. it was grounds for divorce . folks,,
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
If you excel at something, people love it until they don’t. But you won’t know when that will be until after you take out a mortgage.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
me: you take your job a little too seriously
bouncer: *jumping up and down* what
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
[revenge plan]
*invent miniaturisation machine.
*shrink to tiny size.
*crawl all over sleeping spider’s face.
“How’d you die?” “I got shot trying to save my fellow soldiers lives in war. You?” “I got trampled trying to save on a flat screen” “Oh..”
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
there should be a three day weekend: one day to do Nothing, one day to do Something, and one day to do Laundry
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
I’m tired of being told to remove my card rapidly. Starting a new ATM for people who wanna remove their card at a more chill pace
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.