Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
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It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
The only vampire who matters to me lives on Sesame Street. The rest don’t count.
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
that time Mario got bit by a radioactive koala
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
the girl i’m seeing is absolutely dune-pilled after i got her to watch part 1 the other night. i told her i have commitment issues and she said “fear is the mind killer.” what have i done
🙅🏻
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
AC/DC will always be on today’s rock and roll stations because they’re literally current.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
“You know who James Earl Jones looks like? William Shatner. Or Katy Perry.”
– My kid, who has apparently seen none of these people
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
My 4yo keeps calling me ‘young man’ and I corrected him by saying, ‘I’m not a young man, I’m an old woman.’ I feel like he set me up.
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
sometimes all it takes is a little subtle messaging to improve your pet’s behavior