friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
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Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Friend: *checking bag* one bag
Airline: why is it so heavy
Me: *loudly from inside the suitcase* say u have heavy clothes
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
me: What? A lot of people launch shopping carts across parking lots
wife: Yeah but they take the kid out first!
son *screaming*
If anyone is looking for a quick and affordable hair removal system, you’re welcome to come over and use my grill.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there’s some transferable skills there.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
From now on whenever I order at a restaurant, I’m going to say “whatever is easiest for you.”
That way it seems like I’m being really nice and I don’t have to make a decision.
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
Whenever a character in a book praises the cleverness of another character’s idea, it’s really just the author praising their own idea.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Things more likely to kill you than Ebola:
– choking on a wheat thin
– erotic asphyxiation
– falling off the toilet
– a duck with a gun
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
“Alone, here in the post-apocalypse, I can finally enjoy true silence,” I think, just before an aftershock sets off hundreds of car alarms…
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Parallel parking reality show. Get on that.