“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
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[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
Worst bar ever.
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
What if the weather talks about us?
Totally stoked to find some chicken in my chicken noodle soup
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
Why is sugar SO addictive, and broccoli is just like, “I’ll be here when you need me”
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
You know…for fall…
I can never find my cars keys but I won’t forget that time you checked out another woman at the mall four years ago.
I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
my husband thinks i accepted his apology but wait until he sees that i rearranged the tool shed
incredible book dedication
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.