I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.
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“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
If only
It’s that time between Christmas and New Years when the fridge is still packed but with random Christmas items so get ready for a casserole of figs, garlic stuffed olives, pineapple jam, and King’s Hawaiian rolls.
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
kevin is now a local weatherman
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
It’s ok, stock market. I’m steadily declining every day too.
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
I always enjoy when pharmaceutical ads play “Walking On Sunshine” while joyfully listing their drug’s 700 horrendous side effects.
“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Good morning.
I never believed in hypnosis until I spent six straight hours staring at the bakery’s rotating pie display case.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
I’m mostly excited to be divorced so I don’t have to eat this weird tomato and shrimp Jello dish at my in-law’s at Christmas.
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
[Pulled over by cops]
Murderer: I swear officer! There ain’t nuthin in the trunk!
Cop: SIR, PLEASE STEP DOWN FROM THE ELEPHANT
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.