I like to think I’m smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
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Answers phone, makes modem noises…
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
“We were convinced it was Monica from Friends,” said one scientist who asked to not be named
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
BT: “You’ve been prequalified for a low interest credit card!”
BR: “pass”BT: “Would you be interested in refinancing a loan?”
BR: “No thanks.”Bank Teller: “What color lollipop would you like today?”
Bank Robber: “JUST PUT THE MONEY IN THE BAG!”
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee it when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
I just want everyone to know that when my mom was 24 she showed up to her Halloween work party dressed as Monica Lewinksy because she was sleeping with her boss.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*
[First date]
Me: So, I’ve been married for 12 years –
Him: You’re married??
Me: Is that a problem?
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
sex work? uh yeah, I sure hope it does
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds