Namaste
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I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
Just flipped my mattress, should have woke up my wife first
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Two days ago: omg, I’m so glad I found my watch, I’ll never misplace it again!
Today: *has zero clue where the hell my watch is*
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
[creating the armadillo]
GOD: I want a half turtle,
ANGEL: Okay
G: Half pig,
A: Okay, I’m on it-
G: Half anteater
A: …Are u drunk
G: Very
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
*wear sunscreen*
*go up to a guy named Ray and punch him in the nose*
*now laugh because sunscreen protects you from ultra violent Rays*
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
“I really can’t stay“
Baby, it’s cold outside
“My Uber’s on its way”
Ok, that’s cool, actually… I thought I was going to have to give you a ride
The average lifespan of a cheesecake in my house is about 2.5 hours.
Yes I am sort of famous you may recognize me from being invited to say the pledge of allegiance over the school speakers in third grade
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
I need the type of burger that you’d hide from your life insurance company
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Amish murderers get the acoustic chair.