NFL catch rules are absurd. “Even though it looked like he caught it, he hadn’t accepted the ball into his heart. Therefore, incomplete.”
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
I took my dog to see “Fifty Shades Of Grey” and he loved it. Which surprised me because he hated the book…
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Friend: wanna do a Boston marathon with me?
Me: is that on Netflix?
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
CAT 911: what’s the emergency?
CAT: I can see a bird outside our clear wall
CAT 911: you mean a window?
CAT: no it’s definitely a bird
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.