Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
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The greatest ending to a video game to ever exist.
Hear me out:
A tampon that yells “OH YEAH” in the Kool-Aid man’s voice when it’s full
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
Her: The problem with men is they only ever want one thing!
Me *nodding wistfully* a sequel to Ratatouille
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Say what you like about us Arabs, but at least we don’t go to Africa and start naming lions ‘Ahmad’ and ‘Hassan’.
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
My dentist asked how school was and I said “great” because that’s much easier than “oh I actually dropped out because I’ve effectively monetized a twitter account where I numerically objectify dogs”
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
Friend meeting my newborn: omg what’s his name
Me: I don’t know he won’t tell us
If I give up my seat for you on the bus, it’s my right to stand in front of you and stare down your blouse. I think it’s in the Bible.
The best thing about working at my office is that you can literally use as much toilet paper as you want in the restroom.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
Normal stickers: I peel off easy.
Stickers on things you buy: lol stop it that tickles.
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Hubby took the kids downstairs and is letting me sleep in! I’m so excit..never mind, I hear crying already. I think it’s my husband.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.