Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
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My husband just spent 10 minutes looking for a baseball hat that was on his head. I would have said something, except where’s the fun in that?
‘It’s finally happened,’ I say as my handwriting deteriorates to the point where I can’t read it. ‘I’ve become a doctor.’
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?
me: I used to, but not anymore
[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
I told my kid what we’re having for dinner, and she replied, “Man, I just can’t win today.” She turned into a 47-year-old guy with a mortgage and lower back pain right before my eyes.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
Your stomach probably thinks all potatoes are mashed
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Why is it someone is always refinancing their mortgage in the self checkout in front of me?
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
We were smoking in my friend’s basement once and as I finished rolling up a 3rd blunt my friend goes “oh man, I’ve never smoked 3 blunts in one sitting before” to which I replied “Billy we smoked 4 blunts last weekend.”
He was like “yeah, but never 3”
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
sorry i’m late, i have terrible time management skills and zero perception of distance as it pertains to speed of travel
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
If cartoons are a reliable guide, the secret to never ageing is wearing the same clothes every day.