Nobody discretely coughs blood into a handkerchief while wearing a top hat anymore.
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women who kind of look like Kate Middleton with the right pair of sunglasses on have the opportunity to do the funniest thing possible
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
On a scale of ‘woke up in the gutter’ to ‘CAPS LOCK IS TOO LOUD’..
How hung over are you?
Just saw my 4yo eat a banana like a corn on the cob… so yes the quarantine has changed us.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
My bathroom scale is wrapped in duct tape, missing half the numbers, and the dial has been stuck at 110 lbs for years, but I refuse to buy a new one because that’s my ideal weight.
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Me: I think I’ll leave my car windows cracked so it’s not so hot later
Pollen: lol, ok
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
<job interview>
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?Me: no
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
Protip: When your kid interrupts your next Zoom meeting just say “Oh, thats just the intern”.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
A bold strategy
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.