My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
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“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
An older couple saw me open my wife’s car door for her and came over to compliment me.
Moral of the story: old people are nosy.
changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
Only death will keep me from you. Or cake. Or Netflix. Or kittens….hold on, I have a list.
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
Me: Here comes that hot single mom.
Brain: Talk to her!
Me: What should I say?
Brain: Anything!*points at baby*
Me: You gonna eat that?
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I’m a professional burglar. I’ve always been careful to not shit on my own doorstep and have made a point of leaving my neighbours alone. This is not made easier by the local Whatsapp group where people regularly state their holiday dates to everyone
“You’re more likely to be killed in a car wreck than eaten by a shark.”
The shark made a convincing argument, so I got out of the cage.
[first episode of tv show]
Guy: Hi
Guy’s friend of 25 years: You’ve been my friend for 25 years
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Hear me out. A special line at the airport for people who understand the concept “empty your pockets”
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
HUSBAND: Why are you eating food in line when we’re buying takeout?
ME: It’s my warm up sandwich.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
Wife: Honey! Dan is here!
Me: Dan from work? Or Dan who changes all his swears into bunny-related PG cusses?
Dan: That’s right jack rabbits, Dan is all up in this motherthumper!
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.