Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
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Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
My toddler stole bacon off my plate.
We all had a good laugh.
Then I made her move out.
I don’t know squat about bitcoin but with so many crypto experts following me, you’d think I had invented it.
Inside you there are two wolves
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
You only live once. Go talk to that gorgeous person… ask them for their phone number, steal their identity, buy yourself a big screen TV
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
If I fall of this roof cause I’m tweeting, you fuckers have to come and take turns spoon feeding me mash in hospital.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
lost dog
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Everybody’s partner buys a new vacuum cleaner when the filter gets dirty, right? Just mine?
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.
SPLOOT
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Welcome to your 50s. You used to be a lot taller.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
When you get a 3D printer, don’t mess around. Go straight to printing money.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.