The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
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Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
*On date*
Her: hey, how are you?
Me: yeah really g..
BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.
me: how much gas do i have?
car: empty.
me: ok but HOW empty?
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Anyone who believes that the customer is always right has clearly never worked in retail.
Or met people.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
the gym is my favorite place to go to listen to people count to 10
Since it’s hunting season, we are allowed to shoot the cars with the antlers on them, right?
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* why aren’t there any female Transformers?!?
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
{batman walking downstairs}
“Hmmm. Looks like Catwoman’s left me a present”
[the half-eaten corpse of Birdman lies lifeless on the carpet]
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
Someone: wanna hear something interesting?
Anxiety: for the love of God say no SAY NO
Me: sure
Anxiety: you brought this on yourself
Whelp. It’s December. That time of year when I have zero excuse for being so sweaty.