Dear movies,
We’ll never be upset to the point of throwing expensive jewelry at the bottom of the ocean. Never.Sincerely,
Women
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You come into my house on this, the day of my Raisin Bran’s expiration?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so I’m starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
WTF IS THAT!
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
My ex claimed I had a ‘hero’ complex, but whatever I think wearing my underwear on the outside of my pants is a bold & brave fashion choice
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
This text from my boss has every element: “Water you doing? Wind did you get to work this morning? Why on Earth did I hire you? You are Fire’d”
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”