WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
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I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
*smoke detector chirps*
me*takes battery out*
*chirp*
me*cuts wires*
*chirp*
me*smashes it with a hammer*
*chirp*
wife:We have more than one
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because of my obsession with emo rock bands
her: no it’s because of the weird chemistry fanfics that you keep writing
me: i knew it! you hate my chemical romance
[from under your bed]
Babe, are you mad at me?
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
*sees oven left on
“What moron left the oven on!?”
*tries repeatedly to turn it off
“WTF!? Stupid oven!”
*realizes 425 is the time
if my friends ever feel sad and they need to talk to somebody… they always know im right there… only 2-3 missed calls away
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
Dolly Parton not making lollipops in the shape of her head and calling them Dollipops is unfortunate.
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
[a shark bites my arm off at the bicep]
me: “MY TATTOOS”
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
“Kids, are you asleep?”
Kids:
*turns off the wifi*
MUUUUUUUUUUM