Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night
Me: You can’t prove that
Taco Bell employee: No we can
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Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Wife just fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the couch tonight.
[Sporting goods store]
Me: *buying skis* No need for a bag my good man. I’ll be wearing them out
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
When you go to the movies first thing you need to do is pour a drink in the seat in front of you so nobody can sit there..
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
DOG 911: what’s ur emer-
DOG: A FURRY THING IS BEHIND ME
DOG 911: can you bite it?
DOG: I CAN’T SPIN FAST ENOUGH
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
What if everyone had the same neckline as Troi?
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
me: oh boy I stained your shirt don’t kill me
murderer: haha yeah that would be an overreaction
911! I just murdered a bunch of people
911: omg on purpose?
Hang on lemme ask,
did I murder anyone by mistake?..
No one is answering, So..
wife *opens First Aid kit*
me:
wife: Why would you fill it with Cheetos?
me [bleeding] It was funny at the time
The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
I decided to clean my closet and found a tangled necklace so i spent the next 30min untangling it and then took a well deserved 2hr break