The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
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She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
Be the reason why a nun does the sign of the cross when she looks at you.
You say lobotomy like it’s a bad thing.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I can only please one person a day, and i already pleased myself this morning.. so y’all are screwed!
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Nurse: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: No
Nurse: Do you do drugs?
Me: *sigh* No
Nurse: Do you have a life?
Me: *just starts crying* No, I work in HR.
What kind of bears don’t have teeth? Gummi bears. 😉
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Me: *answering each question by shouting my name and Social Security number, refusing to crack*
Job Interviewer: *growing increasingly flustered*
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
I’m no expert on bangs but I assume they’re not supposed to make you look like you have a raccoon stapled to your forehead
[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom