Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
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PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
There’s 3 ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone or forbid your kids to do it.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
If you’re feeling too good about yourself, go ask a 5 yr old to guess your age. That should even things out.
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
1yo: *walking*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
6yo: *riding two-wheeler*
Husband & me: OMG, he’s doing it!
16yo: *pouring milk into cereal without spilling*
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.#PlumbersDay
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
the only way to save the bees is by beeing fiscally responsible. don’t spend the bees faster than you earn them. start a bee savings account. set yourself a bee budget
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
If someone gets arrested for shoplifting at Kohl’s they should be able to post bail with Kohl’s cash.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.