1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.
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Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
i turned 40 and suddenly i can’t see shit if i drive at night and it’s raining. Is the lane still there? Idk. Did the road disappear? Idk. Am I even on the road anymore? Nope.
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
I see that your IQ test came back negative.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
i can’t wait that long
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
her: isn’t my baby beautiful
me: *don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
*don’t say he looks like Gollum*
he’s…preciousher: you said all of that out loud
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
Whoa 😂
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.