I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
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[on the sidelines at a college football game]
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e, what’s that spell
crowd: *not paying attention*
me: d-e-f-e-n-s-e! what’s that spell!
crowd: *still not paying attention*
me: c’mon what’s that spell, i have a test on monday
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Forgot to do laundry again. I bet everyone at work is going to love my prom dress.
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Boss “Are you high?”
Me “If I was high could I do this?”
*Inserts a USB into it’s port the right way up 1st time”
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
My kids have a lot of toy dustpans, considering how little they actually help me clean
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind