I was cleaning one of my finger guns and accidentally blew a hole through my air guitar.
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They say a lot of people put their birth year in their email address. In other news, there are a lot of men born in ’69.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I started this new workout that helps protect my abs and obliques by rubbing grilled cheese sandwiches on them from the inside then my body puts a protective layer around them on the outside.
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
*Killer sneaks into my house to murder me but sees me practicing karate w/ my big stuffed dog I won from the carnival and changes his mind*
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
6. me as a lawyer
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
When people say, “Remind me never to…” do they want the message delivered daily? Weekly? On a birthday? Do I write it on a napkin and deliver it to them with coffee each morning? Should I follow them around with a cardboard sign? Is it a lifetime job or will my kids inherit it?
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
just make the entire table out of coaster
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.