[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.
Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
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me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
Valentine’s Day makes me realize how single I really am. But I’m still gonna sleep like a baby knowing I’m not getting cheated on.
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
So we asked papa johns to write a joke on our pizza
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
I want to be in shape enough that I fit into my favorite jeans but not so much that people ask me to help them move
9:30am meeting for my new job tomorrow and I really can’t believe people start work at the break of dawn like this.
I refuse to participate in scavenger hunts because it’s still murder to shoot people even if they were digging in dumpsters.
If I had been a Spice Girl I would’ve been Garlic Spice.
I know this is only our second date, Susan, and maybe I’m moving too fast, but I’d like permission to rename your cat.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
I left Facebook because of the arguments about politics. That and seeing relatives I can’t stand. It was like having a family Christmas dinner every day.
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!
a girl at starbucks complimented my lip gloss. i didn’t have the heart to tell her it was grease from the rotisserie chicken i just ate in the parking lot.
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.