I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
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Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I call my nephews “Dude” and “Homie” because I’m the cool Aunt! (I don’t know their names.)
Casual: Rob a bank
Fancy: Robert a bank
Next time someone knocks on your bathroom stall say “Sorry, I’m with a client.”
Fact of the Day: Lyrics can be used in a court of law as evidence.
That’s how Billy Joel was acquitted of arson charges.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
General Anesthesia implies the existence of Major Anesthesia.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
lot going on here, legally speaking.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
Just did the math and found out I can retire next year if I start saving $144,468.02 a month.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
Me: *Sitting in traffic*
Cop: Get back in your car