Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
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Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
“LOL, NOPE”
-Me, 25 seconds into the marathon
Doctor: I have good news!
Me: oh thank God
Doctor: Do you want to die?
Me: No!
Doctor: Right I thought you were gonna say yes ok I have bad news 🙁
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
ME: [sees old friend with new wife] Hey congrats on the wedding! Where did you marry?
HIM: Maui
ME: Oh, sowwy! Where did you mawwy her?
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
Video game dad jokes are the best dad jokes
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
*buys a whole mess of pies* “it’s my sons birthday party he is popular and wanted pies” I say to the cashier, who knows I do this every day.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
Chopped: College Edition.
“In your mystery basket: Ramen Noodles, coffee, crippling debt, a worthless degree. Chefs, you have 30 minutes.”
ME: So you’re into religion. Really??
DATE: Absolutely. I go to church regularly. I especially love the religious hymns.
ME: Ok even I know they’re called priests, Linda.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I hope Kim and Kanye surprise everyone and name this next kid something like Bill or Jen
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Her: Your life just doesn’t seem to have a direction.
Me: “Down” is a direction, Brenda.
Her: *whispering seductively in my ear* Tell me what you want baby.
Me: *whispering back* I was thinking maybe Thai food but up to you.