She was rare, like a goth jogging
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Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
NOBODY MOVE I JUST LOST A FOLLOWER AND HE IS PROBABLY ALONE AND FRIGHTENED
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
marvel comics have peaked
[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
Never underestimate mothers. They can turn “mayhem” into “ma’am” with one narrowed glance.
Pirates invented the diving board but get no credit
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off