Being my friend is great because I will probably make you a lasagna at some point but terrible because I will make you listen to a five hour Spotify playlist
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[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
Didn’t realize how much I drank over the holiday. The Urgent Care doc wants to put my liver in a walking cast.
me: do you sell ducks?
him: yes, but they’re going quick
me: ok i’ll take one*later*
duck: quick!
me: i see
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Everyone is worried that technology will corrupt our youth, but I had unrestricted access to the internet and cable tv as a kid and I turned out absolutely awful.
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
I love when actors brag about being able to cry on command like that’s some kind of major accomplishment sweetie it’s called being alive in the year 2023 of our lord.
“You can’t get married,” the priest furiously shut the door while I stood outside embracing my fiancé, a beautiful corndog with a ring on it
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you
Baby wood ducks hurl themselves 60’ from nests in tree cavities a day after they hatch but sure son, I can bring your laundry downstairs
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.
ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop