Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
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“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
“Alice, Barbara, Carol, Diane…”
– me, when my doctor suggested I put my affairs in order
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
“Sorry my phone died”
-something I’ve said 5,326 times but it’s never actually happened
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
Pay no attention to the man behind the crouton!
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
Me (young, foolish): refrigerator may I have a few ice cubes?
Refrigerator (old, wise): one or one-thousand, there is no few
Paranormal Activity, but the demon that drags us out of bed is called “work”
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.