My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
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[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
Met someone on Craigslist, guess I’m dating a grill now.
I don’t always have time to exercise. But when I do…I don’t.
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
Detective: Thefts of geese from the local park have continued. Who wants to look at the report?
Me: I’ll take a gander
Detective: *eyes me suspiciously*
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
Ya I am too Dave it’s nothing to be proud of
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
DATE: do you want kids?
ME [looking around]: *whispers* i mean i guess so, did you bring some?
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE