“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
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A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
*sells my soul*
Devil: I want a refund
Gas stations be like:
Here’s some complimentary filthy water and a filthy sponge/squeegee so you can “wash” your windshield. You are very welcome.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
“Oh hello, I didn’t see you there!” – Translation: I have failed to avoid you
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
I just heard one of my kids say to her sister, “Hold still. I know what I’m doing.”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go interrupt what I assume is amateur surgery.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
one time i was taking a cpr training class and someone did cpr so hard on the manikin that the head popped off and then she went to lunch and never came back
*Tiptoes up behind a burglar robbing our house and sneaks 10 of my kids’ stuffed animals into his bag*
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
When you’re watching Scooby-Doo and the scary part comes on.
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
The rule should be if you can smell the cookout you’re invited to the cookout.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.