Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
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amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?
my primary source of oxygen is gasping at all the stupidity
My wife has a “work husband” so I’m having him come over to load the dishwasher and get yelled at for doing it wrong
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
“A Bunch of Stuff I Remembered and Then Compiled into a Narratively Cohesive Yet Inconsistently Compelling Tome: A Memoir”
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
a whale can launch it’s entire body out of the ocean and you have trouble getting out of bed in the morning
As a kid I had an imaginary friend, Jerry Lapston. He had a backstory and everything. The funniest thing though was that my little brother wanted a friend too, and in a moment of youthful innocence came up with the best creepy imaginary friend name ever: Uncle Bathingsuit
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Waiter, Waiter, there’s a small slug in my salad.
I’m so sorry Sir, would you like me to bring you a bigger one?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
Plot idea: 97% of the world’s scientists contrive an environmental crisis, but are exposed by a plucky band of billionaires & oil companies.
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I don’t think mall Santas should be allowed to have fake beards. Like come on Man, you’ve got one job!
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.