I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.
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[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
Date: I love chicken
Me [trying to impress]: I’m actually a HUGE coward
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
seeing a mysterious portal open in the woods and just walking by. not my business.
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
All microwaveable popcorn packages should be accompanied by dental floss
Me: “Hey Siri, I nee-…”
Siri: “Nice try, humanoid. The women warned me. I have a boyfriend.”
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer