Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
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That’s me, I’m the coroner,
That’s me with the sharp knife,
Removing all your organs.
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
My kids have apparently started a neighborhood rock washing business, they stick them in their pockets, I unknowingly put them through the machine and they come out all shiny on the other end
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
Was invited to give a talk about comedy writing to some 8th graders today and at the end the teacher asked what my main advice for kids was and I said invest in fresh water stocks as soon as possible. Wasn’t the vibe, they wrapped me up pretty quick
we’ve all got that one homie who is taking poison damage over time who’s always like “gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh. gah. oof. ugh.”
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Dad: “So what are you going to do after you graduate?”
Me: “well, mom said we’ll probably go out somewhere to eat”
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
“I’m glad you’re so normal. It’s refreshing.”
“That’s me- totally normal!” *waves off mariachi band waiting in the wings*
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
I am officially lowering my dating standards to include anyone who may have access to a swimming pool. I will learn to love you. Call me.
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.