Thursday
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5 ways I am superior to a horse:
1. Better at catching frisbees
2. I refuse to be told what to do by jockeys
3. If a horse is badly injured or gravely ill, I’d probably be faster than that horse
4. I own more swords than most horses
5. Unlike horses, I know how to use the ATM
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
When your lawyer’s lawyer has a lawyer and that lawyer has a “spokesman”…
You’re probably into some shady shit!
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
The fact that they call it the Food Pyramid and not Food Triangle implies it has at least two other sides. So maybe this much taffy is OK
when someone rings the doorbell
The secret to work life balance is generational wealth
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
TV Ad: Do you wanna watch a show that smartly satirizes the complete corporatization of American institutions and skewers the bureaucracy of large companies? Watch “The Boys!”
Me: Heck yeah
TV Ad: Streaming now on Amazon Prime™️
Me: Wait a second
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?
Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.
Therapist: what? No.
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
Damn, this hole is wet
*I say right after stepping into a puddle
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.