Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
You Might Also Like
People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
“WELL MAYBE IF YOU DIDN’T CALL THEM THROW PILLOWS!”
*I yell as I’m being escorted out of Bed Bath & Beyond…
You can’t rush stupid.
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
Aquaman is part fish, if you want to kill him just overfeed him.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I am not a woman who can exercise with makeup on without ending up looking like a Salvador Dali painting
I know this now
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
My toddler only has 3 words, but she can already argue with me.
INTERVIEWER: says here you were fired previously?
ME: yeah, I tried putting pizza in the copier
INTERVIEWER: [excitedly] did… did it work?
Was just called down to Human Resources.
Apparently replying “Unsubscribe” to every email I get is frowned upon.
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
5-year-old: *pretending to be a T-rex* I’m going to eat you.
7-year-old: You can’t. It’s Lent.
The pottery scene from Ghost except they’ve been married for ten years and she’s like “get away from me you idiot, I’m working”
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
“we serve breakfast all day” no you don’t, you serve eggs and pancakes for dinner, which is totally fine, but let’s not lie to ourselves
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.