You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
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Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
Abraham Lincoln is trending. Congrats to his social media team.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
One day I want to wear jeans to the gym, just to watch the outrage.
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
[Watching the World Cup]
GUY *nods at the screen* Who’s your favourite player?
ME: uh…that round-headed guy is good, what’s his name again?
GUY:
ME:
GUY: That’s the ball
ME: Ok
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
U know your mind is gone when u get out of bath and realize u only shaved one leg
Unless u only have one leg… Then you’re good
No amount of college can prepare you for how angry you’ll get at the way people park in the real word.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
You ever have your knees crack so good that you expect them to glow in the dark.
Yeah, me too.
Sorry I jumped out from behind the Doritos display at Kroger and started choking you, I’m new to all this roleplay stuff.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
Today I went to the bathroom without a phone. There are 72 tiles on the bathroom floor.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.