Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
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“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
My wife said “Sometimes you can be so lazy,” and then she walked out of the room.
I looked at our dog and said “Go find out which one of us she’s talking about.”
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
*waiting for food at drive-thru*
*sees food is ready*
*crawls through drive-thru window*
*pokes worker with my snow brush*
MY FOOD IS READY!
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
dinner should come out of a hose in the kitchen at a specific time each day and it’s coming out whether you’re there to catch it or not
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: I can’t wait to see my wife again
PIRATE: Land Ho!
FIRST MATE: Now look, that’s a little rude
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
me: how old is your baby?
her: 46 weeks
me, struggling w/the math: may i offer him a beer?
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
Just showed my 4 yo niece that I can still do a cartwheel and now she is showing me where the ice packs are.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
oooh pretty wing tattoos on your back, do they symbolize how you have no idea how big wings need to be to carry your weight