When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
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Not being an heiress has ruined my life
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
I picked up some socks off the floor and my 4yo said, “I was just going to do that.” Now I’m waiting for him to start asking why there are so many lights on in this house
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: hindsight
professor x: that won’t help us
me: yes I see that now
In retrospect, Mr. Burns gave me an extremely unrealistic view of how funny a rich guy who controlled everything could be
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Got fired from the petting zoo for giving the rabbits birth control.
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
[shark therapy]
“My girl dumped me & I haven’t eaten in days”There’s lots of fish in the sea
“Yeah but…actually that covers everything”
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
American cheese is just regular cheese that’s not afraid to fight for freedom! Also, it’s fatter than the other cheeses. And more racist.
I wish they’d just come up with a smoke detector that stops beeping when I yell “alright!”.
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
*beach*
Lifeguard: Dammit, I just stepped on your dog’s crap!
Me: I guess that makes you a liar.
Lifeguard: Excuse me?!
Me: The sign says “No Lifeguard On Duty.”
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.