Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
You Might Also Like
My time has come.
My husband found me lying on the sofa and said the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
The best essential oils are the ones that drip out of Tacos.
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
YOU KIDS GET OFF MY MOAT.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
She said she liked a man with a mouth on him and I admitted that I too like someone with all their face parts.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
God: *creating Eve from Adam’s rib*
Adam: That’s a weird way to make people
God: Lol wait till you see how she does it
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Ten million people accused me of exaggerating today.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
My iPhone no longer recognizes my Face ID.
Come on Apple, it’s like 5 pounds. 10 max.
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.