In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
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Encore…
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
This will be my last writing as I’ve just entered IKEA with my family.
Tell my story.
No, not that one.
No, not that one either. Why would I want you to tell people about my time in a Turkish prison with a pregnant meerkat? Idiot.
Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
ugh not again
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Nobody suspects that you’re digging a grave when you’re always working on your landscape.
The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
When I die I want my funeral to be closed casket but like half way thru someone opens the lid and surprise – it’s a nacho bar inside
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
I predict the next world war will be artificial intelligence versus genuine stupidity.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
[me adjusting paintball mask] it’s too bad we aren’t on the same team
date: yeah
It hurts? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
It doesn’t hurt? That’s the body’s way of showing you it’s healing.
– Doctors
8 is addicted to the iPad and he asked where it was at tonight and I said it’s in my car in the garage. He said ok and then I said hopefully the dead woman that lives in the garage won’t get him. Now we’re about to find out how much he wants it.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.