I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
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I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
I was thinking about going jogging and after I stopped laughing I made a sandwich.
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
For April Fool’s Day, Pizza Hut Taiwan has rolled out a “flavorless” pizza, which is just a giant hole with nothing inside
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
If snakes were wide
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
[After 2 glasses of chocolate milk] Toys are so awesome. And bedtime isn’t even real
[5 glasses of chocolate milk] I’ll probably never get cooties…
[8 glasses of chocolate milk] I Can Do Any Subtraction Problem
If my wife and I got divorced and moved to separate states, I’m convinced I would still hear her chewing.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
This is a terrible time for kidnappers.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me: