If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
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met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
6yo: “Mom, Mom! I got to the number 200.”
Me: “Wow! Great job counting.”
6yo: “Thanks, I want to get to 300 stickers on the floor!”
Me: “Wait, what?”
Weird how James Bond was always like, ‘I’m 007’ like just be 7
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
son is fuming bc his sister is staying home from school AGAIN. he just opened her door and said “and here’s the liar in her natural habitat”
My smoke detector just started beeping due to low batteries which is weird because it’s not the middle of the night
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
How do you call a meerkat?
C’meerkat.
My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
FedEx would be a cool name for a restaurant for divorced couples
This kid is a star!
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
Man sheep: thanks for coming out tonight.
Lady sheep: *blushing* thanks for asking me.
Man sheep: *opening door* you’re going to love this place. It’s All Ewe Can Eat.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
You know who brings a knife to a gun fight?
Cannibals.
And also a fork.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Girl are you a prescription from my doctor ’cause you might be good for me but I can’t read you at all.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.