[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
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I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
It’s my house, and I will sleep on the couch if she wants!
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
There are certain people who assume that I’m intelligent.
These people aren’t aware that I cannot tear off perforated paper.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
wife: do you need help in there?
me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave
HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted
HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?
HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
A coworker is being a jerk to me because I microwaved some seafood in the break room so to get back at them I’m going to microwave some seafood in the break room.
Leo: You will unwrap a package of Pop Tarts and none of the corners will have fallen off. This is how you will know you died in your sleep.
“Al-Qaeda: ‘ISIS Goes Too Far’.” Ah the Middle East, where al-Qaeda is the voice of moderation.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
Tony Soprano summer (having anxiety and hanging by the pool)
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?”
*Describes mother*
*Gets a copy of picture*
*Gives it to mum as late birthday present*
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
If I was a pug, nobody would give me funny looks for slobbering in public or eating food off the floor.