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This Valentine’s Day, get her that piece of paper she always wanted with words on it.
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Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Anti-gay preacher comes to Iceland. Locals buy all tickets to his event in Reykjavik, and then don’t turn up, leaving empty arena. Class.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
You don’t know what you’ve got
until it’s gone.( *Runs out of toilet paper* )
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
My walk of shame is in the Halloween candy aisle at Walmart because I already ate what I was supposed to give out to the trick-or-treaters.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Trainer: what are your goals?
Me: to pet all the dogs
Trainer: no, fitness goals
Me: to be able to run fast enough to pet all the dogs
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.
Of course my summer body is ready, it’s the same as my winter body but sweatier.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
*puts words between two asterisks*
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College