West Side Story gave me the wrong impression. No one at this gang fight is a good dancer and I’ve been shot in the arm.
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she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
Water: can you do me a solid?
God: sure *turns it into ice*
[Uncle Sam opening gifts at his July 4 birthday celebration]
*sigh* another stars and stripes top hat
Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
*seductively boils hot dog* *suggestively unscrews ketchup bottle* *alluringly toasts bun* *erotically describes this in between asterisks*
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.
My husband wants to install surround sound because apparently what our family really needs is to hear Let it Go with 360 audio.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
My favorite farside!!