No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
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FORTUNE COOKIE: The next play you see will blow your mind!
ABE LINCOLN: is that good
*sees a car with a “how am i driving” bumper sticker*
*calls the phone number*
ME: buddy i think it’s with a steering wheel
Litter boxes are bullshit man. Those cats aren’t littering they’re shittin’ man.
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
acceptable thing to do with cpr dummy: learn how to save a life
unacceptable thing to do with a cpr dummy: learn how to create a life
who did the taste test?
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Doctor: You need a new liver and we found a match.
Me: When can you operate?
*lighting a candle*
Doctor: When we find you a new liver.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
Batman trying to get some sleep during the day